How Shall We Choose Our Friends, Confidants, and Life Partners? |
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Copyright © 2008 Soy-n-Joy®
How Shall We Choose Our Friends, Confidants, and Life Partners?
Companions come in all shapes and sizes. They can be our family members and relatives, friends, confidants, and life partners, all evolving from our circles of acquaintances. Some dictionary definitions will help us clarify the different classes of companions: a friend is a favored companion whom one knows, likes, and trusts; a confidant is one to whom secrets or private matters are confided; and a partner can mean a spouse, or at least illustratively, either of two persons dancing together. Family members and relatives are related by blood and not of our own choice. So we shall limit our focus on relationships upon which we can exercise choice, and which can make differences in our lives. Our first acquaintances are invariably family members, like parents, siblings, relatives, and family friends. As we grow up, our circle of acquaintances will also grow, to include classmates, schoolmates, activity-mates, teachers, workmates, and acquaintances through meeting people or third-party introduction. These make up our consideration set for personal relationship development.
As relationship progresses, people get to know and understand each other better through socializing, studying, doing activities, or working together. Nodding acquaintances can become friends who do things or hang out together, friends can become confidants who can share private secrets, and confidants can evolve to become life partners who can pursue common dreams and navigate life's uncertainties together, and share the joys and pains and the pleasant and not-so-pleasant surprises, which life invariably brings.
When we are meeting people outside our immediate circle, we shall be meeting people of diverse backgrounds, culture, and upbringing. Differences are a norm, but diversity at this point is a blessing. It opens up your circle of association so that you may be exposed to new opportunities for relationship development. Imagine you are attending a university or joining a company. You meet all kinds of people, and through doing things together, you come to understand each other better. You may be offering help to people, or people may be helping you, with or without your asking for it, and in the process people develop the knowledge and feel about each other. You will also come to associate more with certain people because you share common interests. You hang out more with them and, with spending time together, they evolve to become your friends. Among your friends, there may be a few whom you can trust enough to share personal secrets, because they have proven over time to be worthy of your trust. They have become your confidants. And if you are ready to deal with an intimate relationship, someone among your confidants may be a candidate to become your future life partner, to pursue your common aspirations.
The evolvement of relationship between people is not very different from relating to any product, service, company, or personal brand. There are progressive hurdles of awareness, knowledge and interest, credibility, trust, and loyalty. For example, when we are choosing a restaurant, the first is an awareness hurdle. The restaurants that we are not aware of are automatically not in our consideration set. Then there is the knowledge and interest hurdle. If you happen to be a vegetarian, you will probably not be very interested in a Texas-style BBQ outfit. Next is the credibility hurdle. While most people do not feel they can trust advertising, most, whenever they can, will rely on counting the number of customers on site, or word-of-mouth introduction from family or friends to establish credibility of the chef or the institution. After the direct experience at the first moment of truth, the next hurdle is establishing trust. If repeated patronage of the same institution has brought repeated satisfaction, trust is gradually earned. The moment testing whether trust has evolved into loyalty is when there appears to be a breach of trust, for example, when on a certain visit the restaurant's food or service appeared sub-par compared to your prior experience and foiled your expectations. The decision became whether you would break the relationship right there, or you would tell them about your specific disappointment and yet give them another chance to make things up. If they responded positively and found not to violate your trust again, the bonds of loyalty would probably stay. If not, repeated violations of trust might bring the relationship to an end.
Imagine that an employer is hiring a new recruit. An employer choosing a prospective employee, or a job-seeker choosing a prospective employer, is no different from two people meeting each other for the first time and trying to see whether they can establish a hopefully long-term, win-win relationship. The credibility hurdle is very high. Your resumé may say that you are from a name school, that you have undergone important skills training, that you have worked with name companies in responsible positions, that you have made important past accomplishments, that you understand different cultures, or even that you can communicate fluently in multiple languages. Such information provides knowledge about you and establishes employer interest. But the employer awarding you the position is actually taking a chance on you, just hoping that the upside will outweigh the downside, until you can prove yourself an asset rather than a liability. The same thing applies to the company. Perhaps it is a name company selling branded products or services. That probably gives you some knowledge and initiates your interest. You may also be doing detailed research on the company. But as the English saying goes, "The grass is always greener on the other side," when you are from the outside looking in. Once the employer decides to hire you, the first hurdle of credibility may last from a few months to a year, usually treated as a probation period, to give the employer a chance to examine your aptitude and character up close, to have some basis for estimating your developmental potential, so that further retention of you justifies their investment in you. Of course, that probation time will also give you the opportunity to examine the company culture up close to see whether the company deserves further investing your time in it. The probation period, therefore, serves as an opportunity for establishing mutual credibility. But credibility is not yet trust. Trust must be earned, through demonstrating responsibility, judgment, and contributing to team success by delivering on promises, expertise, and creativity toward conquering difficulties, solving problems, and capitalizing on opportunities. Your personal reputation, and cumulative feedback from 360-degree appraisals, usually are accurate reflections of the trust you have earned over time. Meanwhile, the company also needs to earn your trust by delivering on promises. The test of loyalty, however, comes when certain expectations are not met. It may be an uncharacteristic slip in your performance, or you may be passed over in some expected promotion or increase in compensation, or you have found that your authority does not match your positional responsibility. Whether you can work things out to a mutually satisfactory outcome with your employer is a test of mutual loyalty. The past bonding and future expectations may be strong enough to repair that relationship and even elevate it to new heights, or you may part ways with your employer and change company. A stabilizing factor is always a clear company mission and a set of actionable principles or company values that employees can identify with and act on. The best-run companies, especially decentralized ones, guide managerial decisions based on those mission and value principles, and have been well-rewarded with financial success, attraction and retention of talents, and stakeholder and community support. The finding that people on average will change jobs seven times in their career can be misleading. It implies people are changing jobs every four or five years. In fact, some people may be loyal to a single employer for life, or they may be switching companies frequently when they are at the beginning of their careers, and then after they have found the employer company they are proud to identify with, they may be staying there until retirement. Actually, once you have established credibility, earned trust, and built loyalty with a good employer on a solid track record, you will have to consider very carefully when you are presented with an opportunity to switch employment, because you will then need to establish that credibility, earn that trust, and build that loyalty all over again, with neither a working knowledge of the new culture of values nor a solid track record at the new company to shield you from the doubts of peers or supervisors. The upside of a new opportunity must be weighed against the possible downside. Potential reward must be balanced against potential risk. Because people look at risks very differently, the final choice is a very personal decision.
Similarly, in developing a personal relationship, the progressive hurdles of awareness, knowledge and interest, credibility, trust, and loyalty also apply. Awareness, knowledge and interest are basic to initiating any personal relationship. If you know that someone repels you in looks or behaviors, or perceives that his or her association with you brings visible social risks, the chance of furthering that relationship is slim. Once those initial hurdles are overcome, the big question becomes: How do we qualify an acquaintance as a possible friend whose companionship we shall enjoy and whom we shall like and trust? The motivator is common interest. If you share common interests with an acquaintance, trying out companionship will at least bring some enjoyable moments when pursuing common activities together, like joining a book club, supporting a political candidate, going hiking, or playing sports together. The hygiene factors include emotional intelligence elements like self-control and empathy that help in managing anger and jealousy when they arise, and the consistent delivery on express or implied promises, no matter how big or small. In fact, if people have difficulty delivering on small promises, it may be asking for the impossible to expect them to deliver on big promises. And if they find your success threatening or non-deserving and are happy at your pain or failure, they are unlikely to be your friend for long. Both the Bible and conventional Chinese wisdom have taught us to try to understand people by observing how they handle small matters, and there is a lot of truth in it. In elevating a trusted friend to a confidant, the motivator is earning inner-circle trust and the willingness to share mutual private secrets; the hygiene factor is the consistent delivery on expressed or implied confidentiality. As confidants sharing personal stories, problems, and aspirations, the express or unspoken contract is always confidentiality, that without Party A's express permission, personal secrets must be kept private. To progress from a confidant to possibly a life partner, the motivators, besides mutual physical attraction, most likely will include the pursuit of a common future and fulfillment of mutual expectations. Depending on the maturity of the individuals involved, such vision and expectations for the future may not be clear-cut, or may even be murky. But for the individuals involved as sole stakeholders in the relationship, it is important to explore mutual dreams and expectations, to identify commonalities and workable strategies, and whether differences can be resolved or at least tolerated well. At the same time, the basic hygiene hurdles must ultimately include effective interparty cimmunication, and common values, beliefs, assumptions, and habits, which are embodied in personal character. Character, in turn, is expressed in decisions and behaviors. The conventional Chinese wisdom that you will only get to really understand people over time, and that you need to examine how people's behaviors are consistent with their words, is worth its weight in gold. "Love at first sight" is risky indeed, because you don't have the advantage of time on your side. Any relationship must be able to withstand the test of time. Time will reinforce green lights or raise red flags, before you commit for the really long term. When you have spent enough time together to have gone through some ups and downs and tasted some sweetness and bitterness, at least you could tell whether promises and secrets were kept, whether your success was a cause for celebration or a source of jealousy, whether your pain would elicit empathy or a "you deserve it" response, whether you cared about similar people and issues, and whether you could resolve challenges together. When people go through life together, together they must create and share joy, and together they must endure and conquer difficulties. As our life expectancy goes up, we have even more at stake in choosing our friends, confidants, and life partners for more moments of uplifting joy and fewer moments of depressing pain in the long journey.
In conclusion, whether we are buying a car, shopping for an appliance, choosing a dentist's service, pondering emigration to a new country, or thinking of reinforcing a personal relationship, we are basically choosing and relating to a brand, and the same pattern of hurdles applies. First, relationships don't just happen; you need diversity of exposure to expand your consideration set. Then you need to develop a knowledge base about the options so that you may make informed choices. However, when it comes to personal relationships, the emotional elements can be overwhelming and sometimes render logical elements irrelevant, at least for the moment. Interpersonal relationship development is never a smooth course. Personal attractiveness may fade with time and familiarity may discount initial admiration if not breed contempt, and you need a cool head in addition to a warm heart to figure out the future of a relationship. Keep in mind that the concrete building blocks of trust and loyalty, or the lasting bond between people, must rest on hygiene factors based on effective communication and the common ties of values, beliefs, assumptions, and habits. In fact, sometimes the habit of having each other around may be enough to maintain a relationship or prevent it from falling apart. And the ability to communicate effectively will, as a first step, lend a chance to problem-solving. But ultimately, common values, beliefs, and assumptions, breeding the common worldview and character, provide the enduring bonds between people and maintain relationships through good times and bad. One interesting extrapolation is, if you substitute the word "people" by the word "countries", the same arguments can still apply.
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